Albemarle’s Psychic Continues Perfect Streak of Incorrect Bitcoin Predictions

Residents of Albemarle, North Carolina, have long turned to local psychic Athena Crystal for guidance in uncertain times. But one prediction has been consistent: her unwavering, almost supernatural ability to get Bitcoin’s price wrong every single time.

“Last month, she confidently told me Bitcoin was ‘destined to soar,’” said local crypto enthusiast Jeff Daniels. “It dropped 20% that afternoon. It’s honestly impressive how consistently off she is.”

Madame Crystal’s latest prediction—that Bitcoin would “plummet into the abyss of financial ruin”—coincided perfectly with a record-breaking surge, prompting townspeople to dub her forecasts the “Reverse Oracle.”

“Whatever she says, we just do the opposite,” said Jeff, now considerably wealthier.

Despite her track record, Madame Crystal remains optimistic about her gift. “The spirits are just… testing me,” she said, staring into her cracked crystal ball. “I see great riches, eventually, for all who trust my visions.”

And with Bitcoin prices continuing to defy her every word, many locals are starting to agree—just not in the way she thinks.